Warning this post makes judicious use of a four-letter F word (fart), reader discretion is advised.
Several years ago I bought a HEPA filter for my apartment, meant to filter for any airborne, toxic substance. It quietly hummed in the background until it detected elevated levels of toxins (which, it turned out, almost always meant that somebody in the room had farted), at which point a red light turned on while the fan kicked into high gear. It was no use pretending you didn’t “cut one” (as we used to say in the ‘80s, as in, “cut the cheese”), the machine knew, sometimes even before you did.
It wasn’t long after I had installed the “fart detector” that I began hearing about fart taxes for cows in Denmark. The Danish government (at the behest of its EU masters) had declared cow farts a danger to the planet, because the EU-funded climate scientists discovered that cow gases equaled “greenhouse gases”. In order to save everyone from imminent doom, cows were not banned (not just yet), but farmers had to pay a hefty annual cow-tax to the mafia government at about $100 per head.
Strangely these taxes were only levied on outdoor grazing beasts and not on sickly indoor imprisoned counterparts. The wise scientists apparently believed cow farts (in the form of methane gases) cannot escape buildings, or perhaps they insisted on the installation of cow-fart filters similar to my old HEPA one. Nobody seemed to address the cow elephant in the room—factory farms require a sh*t cow-dung ton of electricity to power (especially with the addition of the fart-busting filtration units), which still means burning coal, wood, garbage or oil (the wood and garbage are now considered “green”, by the way, as they count as “bio fuel”), which means CO2 release, which means, yes lots of “greenhouse gases”!
Speaking of elephants, I would imagine their farts are a lot more powerful than cow farts, given their massive size. Yet nobody talks about taxing them for affronting the planet with their farts. Instead, elephant-dung burning is being explored for its “green energy” potential. A prison/zoo wild-life refuge in India has tried to power its facilities purely on elephant dung, but even those massive patties cannot do the job, because dung burning for fuel is inefficient.[i]
If free-ranging cows can be blamed for dangerous greenhouse gases, what about free-ranging buffalo? There were millions of these beasts roaming the prairies in the Americas until the colonists came and massacred them all (they must have had a climate scientist aboard the trains instructing the gunmen), possibly for millennia or more, yet the planet had not been hurtled into a mini ice age due to buffalo farts… or moose farts, or deer farts, or water buffalo farts, or hippopotamus farts, or rhinoceros farts, or zebra farts, need I go on? (I think you get the idea.)
No, the many millions or billions of free-roaming, free-farting beasts never triggered a cataclysmic climate event (oh, wait, that’s what the mythological “dinosaurs” had done, I see now, which is why the earth had to get rid of them because it could not support such enormous gases, but the tar-pit gases that consumed them were okay.. and the volcanoes…), it is just the animals that feed humans who get singled out for blame (particularly the healthy, outdoor living ones).
But EU bureaucrats and their UN and WEF cronies will not stop at targeting human food sources, they now have their sights set on humanity itself (because I guess we are not dying off quickly enough for their liking). Yes, it is true, the scientists are finally getting around to blaming climate change on human farts. This is no joke. And not only blaming human farts, but as I predicted in my books, Welcome to the Masquerade and Shots Fired, also human breath.
It is not actually the CO2s, but CH4 (methane) and N2O (nitrous oxide) emitted from human breath that is a potential hazard to planetary health, so say “atmospheric physicists” in the UK (with a fancy title like that, they cannot possibly be wrong). The gasmen scientists allege that breath emissions from UK residents make up 0.1 percent of nitrous oxide and 0.05 percent of methane greenhouse gases in the UK. They “urge caution” in assuming these human emissions are “negligible”, because they believe they are most definitely not. (Clearly we need to cull more humans, it’s the only way to stop their nasty breath emissions.) As stated, it’s not the CO2s that are the problem, these, the scientists admit are soaked up by plants, it’s the other gases (methane and nitrous oxide) to blame.
Yes, admit the scientists, human-released CO2 is not a problem because plants convert CO2 into oxygen. Yet why then do we endlessly, almost exclusively hear about the dangers of carbon/CO2, and needing to get this number down to zero, while the same politicians pushing the “net zero” agenda are also busy razing our forests to make way for “green energy” wind and solar farms (which depend on natural gas, oil or coal burning, all of which emit CO2) and 5G networks (which emit non-native EMFs harmful to all biological life forms). Wouldn’t it make more sense to leave the trees and plants to do their job of “carbon capturing” for us? And if we really could get all CO2 down to “zero”, all humans and animals, along with their machines, would have to go. And then, if that happened, wouldn’t the plants all die of starvation? And are we not told that all biological life on earth is carbon-based? Reaching zero carbon then may relate to replacing or resetting all carbon-based life forms with synthetic. (More on this topic another time.)
Okay so plants apparently do not convert methane or N2O (however the planet still seemed to manage okay with all of the breathing, belching, farting animals in the past, except maybe when those big, nasty dinosaurs were stomping around). This is why the esteemed men of science (gasmen) who found that of the only 104 participants in their breath study[ii], 30% emitted methane gas (and these were mostly from women above the age of 30, so definitely cull these useless eaters first), are worried about human farts, because what methane is not released by breathing will definitely be released through flatulence, or also through burping—so they warn us.
While human farts were not directly researched in this study, they were still pointed to as a potential problem, and probably more tax payer money will go to fund fart research (instead of addressing real problems like world hunger, poverty, war, industrial pollution, EMFs, tech addiction, deforestation, “green” energy schemes…), because this team says fart studies are important, especially needed to address the “impacts of an ageing [higher methane-gas emitting] population and shifting diets [into cricket- or synthetic-burger, or Soylent Green eating?].”
I wonder what the high-tech lab facilities belonging to these atmospheric scientists look like. Why don’t the scientists do something useful with their time (and our money) like study the gases emitted by the many “green energy” fluorescent light bulbs (mercury vapors), LCD screens (toxic monomer chemicals[iii] and VOCs[iv]), lithium-ion batteries (fluorine[v], butane, ethyl cyanide, sulfur dioxide, carbon monoxide[vi]) disinfectant cleaners (VOCs) smartphones and tablets (organophosphate flame retardants and plasticizers)[vii], or consider the environmental footprint of their lab; from destructive mining to manufacturing to transport to powering all of their precious high-tech gear? I also wonder if the scientists know about the study[viii] finding that smartphones now account for more than 11% of greenhouse emissions (set to rapidly increase in the coming years)?
Allegedly the gas scientists did not find a significant difference between bean-eaters and meat-eaters as far as breath emissions go (although we all know that bean-eaters fart a lot more and that their farts are much stinkier) and we are reminded that even if meat eaters fart less, they are still “known to fuel the climate crisis in other ways”; translation: “are directly responsible for the continued existence of cows and their (bigger, more evil) farts.”
Soon we will all be taxed for breathing and farting. We might even be required to wear portable fart detectors (similar to my HEPA filter, but miniaturized), that alert nearby humans to our farts (I’m sure tech heads have already developed an app for that). No longer can we simply mutter a polite, but slightly embarrassed, “excuse me” or blame the dog, when we pass gas—the fart detector will sound the alarm, flash red lights and beep loudly. A fart tax will be levied at the instant gases exit our rear ends and monies due will be just as quickly withdrawn from the offender’s bank account.
It may seem far-fetched now, but I never thought I would live to witness cow fart taxes either, or so many other insane things happening in our world right now… like the increasingly (and biologically) intrusive, ever-expanding worldwide tech surveillance grid and the birth of the “social credit” system, or pandemic lockdowns, forced vaccinations and medical testing, “social distancing” and mask-wearing, robots being granted citizenship, retina scans, nanobots in people’s blood, video chats, or Venezuelan gunmen invading US citizens homes (and so much more, such a “fun” time to be alive!)
Once the human fart tax is implemented, I am guessing there will be a huge surge in demand for fart-suppressant drugs or herbs. I suggest buying shares in that market now, so you can get in on the “bottom” floor while the getting is good.
[i] See: Planet of the Humans documentary film
[ii] Jonathan Chadwick, Dec. 13, 2023, The Daily Mail, “Now scientists say BREATHING is bad for the environment: Gases we exhale contribute to 0.1% of the UK’s greenhouse gas emissions”
[iii] Brooks Hays, Dec. 11, 2019, UPI, “Household dust hosts toxic chemicals from LCD screens”
[iv] Liu, Abbatt, PubMed, May 31, 2021, “Liquid crystal display as a source for indoor volatile organic compounds”
[v] Larsson et. Al, Aug. 30, 2017, Scientific Reports, “Toxic fluoride gas emissions from lithium-ion battery fires”
[vi] Jenny Smiechowski, Easy Health Digest, “Beware: You Cell Phone’s Emitting Toxic Gas”
[vii] Arts & Science News Staff, Dec. 4, 2018, U of T News, “U of T study finds toxic chemicals on smartphones, in bodies of smartphone users”
[viii] Lotfi Belkhir, March 25, 2018, The Conversation, “How smartphones are heating up the planet”
So true, so funny -- thanks.